The Continuing Shift

This is me with Nobilis Reed. I'm 5'3". He's 6'8".

Just got back from Balticon, where I got to hang out with some of my favorite people in the world, met even more awesome people, and missed a couple folks who had other obligations. Then I drove seven hours on no sleep to make sure Rosemary didn't miss her plane. I ended up screaming out lyrics to fast-paced songs so I didn't fall asleep at the wheel. Now my voice sounds like Ke$ha. I did not wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy.

With the exception of ConTemporal, which I will be attending with the North Carolina D20 girls as part of the convention staff, this is my last con of the year. I would love to go to more, but it's just not in the cards.

If you've been reading the blog, you know I quit my day-job back in March, and things have gone about like you'd expect:

• I thought about going back to school, but decided against it.
• I got a part-time job scooping ice cream but it wasn't enough to pay the bills.
• I'm moving back in with my parents, and I am very lucky to be able to do that but scared of returning to the same isolation I had when I came back from Japan.

My parents have told me not to worry about getting a job for three months. This is insanely generous of them, and I am so thankful and fortunate not only to have the ability to move back in with them, but to have their support and belief that I can actually do both voice acting and writing and make what I love into my day job.

This coming month, I'm narrating two books on ACX/Audible and have been asked to audition for another, which I may decide to accept pending audition and direct offer, because it's sold quite well on Amazon given it's recent release and the story would give me the opportunity to do some accents I rarely get to exercise...as well as read something other than romance.

But that will be after I move. Seriously, the guy downstairs moved out and they're fixing up the apartment so the new folks can move in.

Here is an example of the drilling noises I hear every day while I'm trying to record...and my voice post-Balticon.

I'm getting enough decent offers from ACX, that I really hope I will be able to support myself, at least in part, on recording. If I could just make enough to pay off my debts, I would be happy.

So I've decided my goal is to support myself through writing and voice acting.

Which brings me to another point. I am still pursuing traditional publishing, but in talking to Abbie and a few other folks, I've decided not to limit myself only to that anymore. If I can afford to put the money into my book that I would be relying on publishers for (for in-depth editing, cover art, and the marketing I would want to do) I think I have a good chance with it. However, until the market settles down and I have the capital to actually give my books the attention I want to give them, I will still be pursuing traditional publishing with my longer works. I have a lot of confidence in my writing, but I know there's room to improve - enough that I don't want to short-change my chances.

So, I'm using the Millroad Academy Exorcists series to teach myself how to do this e-publishing thing. Exorcising Aaron Nguyen is coming together well, and through the crazy chance networking opportunity generator that is Twitter, I did end up winning a free in-depth edit... which is awesome, because I never could have afforded it! I also did a reading from the second draft at BaltiCon and feel really excited about doing the audiobook version myself. I may put up the audio from that reading a bit later.

This post's shout outs include awesome new people I met:

• Benjamin Charles Press Esq (our paths would have crossed eventually. Glad it was here.)
• Myke Cole (who appeared on Pendragon's live panel, then gave the best 3AM pep talk ever)
• Hugh O'Donnell (who I finally got to hang out with some)
• Katie Bryski (a fellow author, podcaster, nerdfighter, and Disney/Musical enthusiast)

Awesome people I got to hang out with again:

• Veronica Giguere
• Starla Huchton
• Nobilis Reed
• Norm Sherman
• Renee Chamblis
• Doc Coleman

Friends at con who feel more like family:

• Abigail Hilton
• Bryan Lincoln
• Rosemary Tizledoun

And friends I missed seeing:

• Justin Macumber
• Tee Morris
• Pip Ballantine
• John Mireau

This post brought to you by Cards Against Humanity, the best drunken pep talks ever, and staying up until 4:30 because you can't stop talking and don't want the con to end.

Goals for 2013

Photo by Markybon

Last night, I went to sleep hoping I could avoid the icy drive in the morning and sit at home with my work laptop, processing documents in my pajamas. Alas, the expected snow did some half-hearted acrobatics and failed to stick the landing, and by the time I slid onto my porch it was little more than a scraping of white icing on the roof next door. I was driving to work after all.

I live in the South, where asking people to drive in snow and ice is like asking a cat to walk when he's wearing a collar for the first time--a combination of tragic and hilarious. I don't claim to be much better, though I do know which way to turn the wheel if I start to slide. I wasn't surprised when, halfway to work, traffic slowed to a crawl.

I spotted flashing lights, but the smell of gasoline was the first indicator this wasn't the usual fender-bender. When my lane stopped, I glanced between the inching cars. The blackened husk of an overturned car steamed from inside a ring of emergency vehicles by the side of the road. There was no fire anymore, but it was clear the car had been blazing not too long before, though the shape of it was mostly intact. I hoped the driver and any passengers had made it out.

It was suddenly strange to think my largest concern not ten hours before was whether I could stay in my pajamas. Someone else has lost a car, possibly lost a love one; my day-to-day concerns can't compare to that. What if it had been me in that car? Would I be satisfied with my last petty concerns? Everything changes in an instant.

That sobering understanding got me thinking. I need to improve my way of living, because I don't want to have any regrets should my instant come. That may seem morbid to some, but when you're unhappy with how things stand in your life, the thought of not having the opportunity to change it is a bitter but strong motivation.

2012 saw two of the worst creative crashes I've ever had, brought on by my inability to adjust to a demanding work schedule and maintain a level of creativity I was happy with. I bit off more than I could chew, and I choked on it. Twice.

I began to doubt my ability to write well enough, revise fast enough, be organized enough to ever publish. I warred against a self-image no longer reflected in the 35 lbs I gained since leaving Japan or the skin problems I'd never had as a teen. I was too tired to write when I got home, but too busy trying to write to take care of myself or contribute to the chores at home consistently, which made me feel like a wretched slob.

I started personal training. It went well for a few months. I started Fit-2-Write. We managed three episodes before I hit my first crash.

I was scheduling every part of my day down to my two 15-minute breaks at work. I was doing two personal training lessons a week after work, D&D on a third, and trying to edit and post two podcasts. Also, I went to StellarCon, ConCarolinas, Sammy's wedding, and BaltiCon all before May. Saturday mornings, I was taking a class on Google+ with Cat Rambo. I was trying to revise the first 100 pages of The Mark if Flight, write a short story, read and comment on two short stories a week, update my blog, and plan out my next book and the revisions for HELLHOUND.

Then this happened: Do You Want to Do My Laundry?

Despite the playful tone, this post was coming on the back of a serious meltdown after a couple of major disappointments. I felt like I would never "get it together". I still feel like that.

I dropped everything, and when I'd finally stopped crying log enough to look at the detritus at my feet, I had no idea how to pick it all back up again. I'd latch onto something, wade a couple feet through the rest, and drop it again. I couldn't let go of any of it, but I couldn't figure out how to clean the mess of my creative life without shoving it all to the curb.

It was tough to fish out the things that mattered to me the most, and I felt unspeakably guilty for letting the others rest.

At the same time, 2012 was a year of many steps forward: I gained what felt like a whole new world of friends after meeting the other folks in the podcasting community face-to-face at BaltiCon. I hammered out two short stories, a novelette, the first six chapters of a new book, and yet another opening for The Mark of Flight, which is now beginning to resemble something like a pretty good book. I made a carved leather hat that actually looked like what I had in mind. I asked to be on panels at StellarCon and BaltiCon and was accepted. I was invited to attend and speak at New Media Expo. I took a couple of trips by myself and with friends, just because. I started kayaking again, bought a bike, and got a new car that makes me super happy.

That said, I refuse to have another year where the lows are as low as 2012's. So I did some soul-searching and tried to figure out what goals I could make this year that would help me live with fewer regrets. I'll split them up into personal and creative.

2013 GOALS

Personal

• Get healthier - exercise, eat better, figure out the energy situation, ride my bike, relax
• Go out and do things. With other human beings. And not just because I can use it in a story someday.
• Spend more time outside doing things I enjoy, like biking or kayaking or camping.
• Do more to maintain the apartment
• Consistently pay all bills on time
• Pay down credit card
• Fill the well
• Volunteer

Creative

• Worry less about 'making it'
• Chill, before this shit gives me heart problems
• Finish first draft of Heretic's Resonance
• Get Pendragon Variety - Issue#1 released
• Make Season 2 of Pendragon Variety
• Keep making friends who are awesome, supportive, and inspiring
• Query MoF
• Read more

I don't know if I'll be able to do all these things, and I'm almost certain I won't do them consistently. There's a certain measure of cognitive dissonance to pursuing your dreams during an economic recession. Last year it was cacophony. This year, we're gonna try to find the right key.

What are your personal and creative goals for 2013? Did you suffer any setbacks or disappointments last year? What improvements do you want to make?

How to Burn a Candle

Finishing a story holds exactly the same amount of joy as eating a giant bowl of peach shaved ice.

On Sunday morning, I finished a short story--the first thing I've finished since completing my first draft of Bull-Rushing the Ghost earlier this year. Of course, I've worked on plenty, and the short story is barely the length of two novel chapters in Heretic, but there's something about FINISHING a whole narrative that gives me a sense of accomplishment and slingshots me through the next few days.

This time was better than most, though. First, it was a story I'd been asked to write, so I was a but apprehensive about writing toward specifications. It turned out well enough, though. Second, it's the first thing I've completed since my Wiley Coyote-esque plunge over the cliff of creative overexertion.

About that cliff. Regular readers might have noticed I've neglected the blog over the past weeks. 20 days into NaNoWriMo, I waved the white flag. I could barely force myself to pick up pen or keyboard, and my utter exhaustion forced me to admit a fact I'd been trying to hide from myself: all year I've been burning the candle at both ends, trying desperately to balance a mentally-draining job with personal commitments, health issues, and the, frankly, alarming number of creative pursuits.

I write throughout the year, so while giving up on NaNo was a blow to my pride, it didn't hurt my page-count much. But I won NaNo the previous two years--in '10 because I was unemployed and had nothing better to do, in '11 because I guess I just had more energy. This year's defeat indicated larger problems.

I didn't realize how much I needed a break until I NaNo-Failed-To-WriMo.

So I took some time off. Three weeks, in fact. During that time I didn't try to write. Rather than trying to bend my protesting brain to the page, I cleaned, watched Netflix, slept, and read like a madwoman.

I'd forgotten how much I like reading. There was a reason I started this whole writing thing.

For anyone who's lit up both ends of the creative firecracker, I recommend bingeing on books.  I read serious books and "crunchy" books, YA and literary criticism, traditional and self-published, ebooks, audiobooks, paper, and hardback. I reread the Last Herald Mage trilogy. I finally read the latest Scott Lynch. I returned to Riverside. I even read an LGBT firefighter romance novel, which made me smile despite the "read that in a fanfic once" porn-industry sub-plot (yes, really). The binge reminded me how much I love falling into other worlds and stories, falling in love with characters like Atticus O'Sullivan, Wellington Books Esq., Deryn Sharp, Bard Stefan, Locke Lamora, and the Mad Duke Tremontaine.

Speaking of Wellington Books Esq...

I've finished the short story for +Tee Morris  and +Philippa Ballantine's The Ministry of Peculiar Occurrences: Tales from the Archives, and it's currently out with a handful of alpha readers. I should be right on time with the first draft.

Finishing a story after what had felt like a creative drought left me feeling like I was soaring in a chariot pulled by a team of Nyan-cats, because it was a great reminder of what I could do when I wasn't stretching myself too thin.

So, I have two writing-related resolutions for 2013:

1. Read at least one book a week, no matter what kind.
2. Learn how to burn a candle: one end at a time, because there will still be enough light to see by.

What gives you a creative high? Have you burned the candle at both ends? What do you do to relax when you've overtapped your creative well? What are your creative New Years Resolutions?